Byakuya's Powerthirst Episodes and other funnies
by ForeverDisenchanted
Summary: Renji gets bored and gives his Captain some Powerthirst, hoping to get a laugh. Unfortunately, this causes Captain Kuchiki to go on a Powerthirst rampage. Written because of my friend who did a Powerthirst speech in school, and my love of making Byakuya d
1. Episode 1

Byakuya's Powerthirst Episode

Sum: Renji gets bored and gives his Captain some Powerthirst, hoping to get a laugh. Unfortunately, this causes Captain Kuchiki to go on a Powerthirst rampage. Written because of my friend who did a Powerthirst speech in school, and my love of making Byakuya do crazy stuff for my enjoyment. AU, OOC, + Randomness to the max!

Disclaimer: I own nothing Bleach, although I wish I did, cause that would rock. I also do not own powerthrist, although that would also rock.

A/N: This is just me and my friends being weird. If you don't like it, that's ok, but if you do, then that is Uber Radical! I will use English not Japanese because I speak English and if I mess up the Japanese words I'll feel totally dumb, so I'm going to avoid that. Ok, well, enjoy!!

Byakuya Kuchiki was typically a stoic guy. He was intimidating, and somewhat scary. It was very rare that anyone would do anything to upset him, usually in fear of loosing their life or becoming mortally wounded or permanently scarred or disabled. It was just... the way of things.

But today was different. Someone unknown, though most people could probably guess who, had decided to play a small prank. Be it that it was meant to prey on Captain Kuchiki himself, or on all the other members of the 13 Court Guard Squads, today had become quite interesting. Instead of his morning tea, someone had given Captain Kuchiki an energy drink...

~*~

Shunsui lay on a random rooftop, comfortably ignoring all that was going on around him. He sighed, pulling his hat further over his face, "I'm so tired today..." he yawned.

"Hey!"

Shunsui jumped at the unfamiliar excited tone of voice.

"Do you wanna feel _soooo_ energetic?"

He turned his head to see a _very _wide-eyed Captain Kuchiki. "Uh... Captain Ku--"

"Try Powerthirst!" Byakuya yelled, an unusual smile on his face, "Energy drinks for people who need gratuitous amounts of _energy_!" Shunsui stared, awestruck, as Byakuya continued, shoving a can of some sort into his face.

"With all new flavors like Shockolate!"

"Uh huh..."

"Shockolate energy! It's like adding chocolate to an _electrical storm_! Sound the alarm! You're gonna be _**uncomfortably energetic**_!!" He shook the man by the shoulders.

And with that, he bounded away, leaving the confused Shunsui with a can of Shockolate Powerthirst.

~*~

Ichigo and Rukia walked along together, Ichigo visiting for the first time in a long while. They were having a decent conversation when, suddenly, a gust of wind blew a bunch of sakura petals in their path. Before either could react, Byakuya stood before them, still 'uncomfortably energetic' from his Powerthirst.

"What's that? You want strawberry?" He mused, his voice becoming more like a commercial announcer's. "Well how about _**Rawberry**_?" He screamed, shoving a can into Rukia's hands. "Made with lightning, **real lightning**!"

Ichigo turned to Rukia, totally bewildered, "What the hell is wrong with him?"

"SPORTS!" Byakuya yelled into Ichigo's ear, causing him to jump back with a yelp.

"Aaahhhhhh!!" Shunsui screamed, throwing the empty can of Shockolate from the roof.

"Sports?" Ichigo asked, swallowing.

Byakuya nodded, "You'll be good at them! It's an energy drink for men!" He tore the can from Rukia, handing it to Ichigo, "**Menergy**!" Ichigo blinked, "Mener--"

"These aren't your dad's puns, these are energy puns!" Byakuya shouted, "_**Turbopuns**_!!" He threw his fist in the air, and suddenly disappeared, leaving Ichigo lying on the ground with Rawberry Powerthirst, and Rukia staring dumbfounded at the air.

~*~

Kurutsuchi stood in the lab, researching his latest project, when he heard breathing behind him. He spun around to see Byakuya staring awkwardly at him. "Yes Captain Kuchiki?"

"Science!" Byakuya yelled, "Energy!" he turned his head to the left. "Science!" he yelled again, turning his head to the right, "Energy!" He screamed looking directly at Kurutsuchi, who began to back away from the obviously deranged captain of squad six.

Byakuya smiled and began flash-stepping around the room, "Electrolyes! Turbolytes! Powerlytes! More lights than _your body __**has room for**_!!"

"What drugs did squad four _give_ you?!"

"You'll be so fast, mother nature will be like," He stopped, throwing his hands out in front of him, "Sloooooowwww dooowwwwnn." And you'll be like..."Fuck you!" and kick her in the face with your **energy legs**!!" He screamed throwing a kick directly at Kurutsuchi's face, missing, and disappearing as fast as he came.

"I always new that man had problems..." Kurutsuchi muttered, getting back to work as if nothing had happened.

~*~

Rukia met up with Renji a little later.

"Renji, do you have any idea what happened to Byakuya?" She asked. Renji shrugged, "Not a clue. Why what's wrong with him?"

"I don't know. But he's passing out some drink to people and acting like a spokesperson for it... or something. I'm kind of scared."

As if on cue, his Captain appeared before him, smiling and wide-eyed, still hyped up on Powerthirst. "Captain?"

Byakuya laughed, "You'll have so much energy!" He yelled.

"_**Energy! Aaaaahhhhh**_!" Shunsui screamed again, this time joined by Ichigo, who crushed his Rawberry can against his forehead as he screamed.

"Just running all the time!!" Byakuya said, beginning to flash-step again, getting faster with every word. "Power running, power lifting, power sweeping, power dating, power eating, power laughing, power spawning...." He stopped between Rukia and Renji, looked from one to the other, took a deep breath and screamed, "**Babies**!!!"

"What?!" Renji and Rukia yelled back.

"You'll have so many babies!!!" Byakuya shouted

"400 babies!!!" Ichigo and Shunsui chimed in.

"Give Shockolate to your babies and they'll be good at sports!" Byakuya continued, shoving a can of Shockolate Powerthirst into both Renji and Rukia's hands. "Make your babies run abnormally fast!" He continued, "They'll run as fast as **KENYANS! **People will watch them running and think they're **KENYANS! **They'll race as fast as **KENYANS!** against actual **KENYANS! **and it'll be a tie, and they'll get deported back to **KENYAAAAaaa**aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!" He trailed off, breathing heavily.

"Captain Kuchiki?" Renji asked, almost laughing, "Are you alright?"

"Hey!" Byakuya yelled, snapping back, "Go with the sure thing! Don't gamble on your energy!"

"Snake eyes!" Ichigo and Shunsui shouted, pointing at Renji's eyes. Byakuya put his hands on his hips, staring off into space, "Try Powerthirst! The energy that will make you..."

"Aaaahhh!"

"**SPORTS!**" Byakuya screamed.

"Aaaahhh!" Ichigo and Shunsui passed out on the ground.

Byakuya smiled, waved his hand once, and disappeared. After a moment, Renji laughed, "That was wondeful!"

"What?" Rukia asked.

"I never thought putting some Powerthirst in his Tea would be so much fun!"

"RENJI!"

~*~

END....(or is it?)

**SPORTS!**


	2. ReDomination

Byakuya's Powerthirst Episode: Re-Domination

Disclaimer: I do not own Powerthirst, Bleach, or Byakuya....sadly

A/N: so at a request, I now do the second Powerthirst 'commercial'. I think we'll travel to the world of the living with this one... Maybe get some Uryu and Urahara in it. ^.^

~*~ ~*~

It was early on a Saturday morning, and Ichigo lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. The week had been a long one; he was tired and incrasingly bored. Luckily, Rukia and Renji were supposed to be visiting. He sighed, wondering what they would do all day. He turned to face the closet...

and, unfortunately, his question was answered.

Large, pink letters were being projected onto his wall somehow. They read: Your thirst shall be quenched!

Ichigo was dumbfounded. "Wha--?"

"What are you waiting for?!" the voice cut him off.

Ichigo jumped up at the eerily familiar voice, sticking his head out the window. Standing on the sidewalk beneath his window was no other than Byakuya Kuchiki with a crazy smile on his face. Ichigo shook his head, "No... not again..."

"What if everything you ever wanted...."

"Please... not again...."

"Came in a **ROCKET CAN**?!" Byakuya shouted, shoving a can into the air, "PowerThirst! Rocket Edition!"

"Ah Hell! Renji I'm going to kill you!" Ichigo screamed. Byakuya flash-stepped up through Ichigo's window. "Byakuya, you need to lay off the energy drinks!" Ichigo almost begged.

"With all new flavors like Manana!" He handed a Manana can to Ichigo, "Fizzbitch!" He handed him a Fizzbitch can, "And Gun!!" He pulled the gun can and pretended to shoot the red-haired boy before him, managing to splash him with some. Byakuya noticed another can on Ichigo's desk and smashed it with a sharp kick, in between his foot and the wall. "You've had the worst, now try the thirst!" He winked, "-_quencher_!!"

He then bounded out the window, leaving Ichigo covered in sticky, yet slippery, Powerthirst.

~*~

Urahara, Tessai, Ururu, and Jinta sat outside Urahara's shop. Jinta was busy pretending to play baseball with his broom, while Ururu actually swept. Tessai was trying, once again, to make Urahara try some random remedies and medicines. He reached into his bag and pulled out a can he'd never seen before, labeled Rawberry. He had no idea what it was, but he still handed it to his boss, "Here, try this." Urahara popped it open and downed it in a matter of minutes. Suddenly, green drops of sweat began to fall from his forehead. "What The--?!" He asked, wiping it from his brow with his sleeve.

"Powerthirst!"

They all turned to see Byakuya smiling, a can of Manana in his hand, "Side effects include glowing sweat!"

"What?" Urahara asked. Byakuya handed Jinta and Ururu glow sticks, "Use your sweaty body to fuel sweet rave parties!"

"Byakuya, are you okay?" Urahara asked, frowning. Jinta rolled his eyes, "He's nuts..." Ururu shook her head, "That's impossible!"

"Powerthirst!" Byakuya shouted, holding his can in the air, "Anything is possible!"

Urahara burped. Byakuya spun to face him, "Bear-blasting!"

"Huh?!"

"The sport you'll invent because you'll be **too energetic for normal sports**. You'll feel like a fighter jet made of **biceps**!!!"

"You really have gone off the deep end haven't you?"

Byakuya laughed and disappeared, off to torment another poor soul.

~*~

Chad walked down the street, all alone, quiet as usual. He suddenly felt a strong spiritual pressure. Then, out of nowhere, Byakuya appeared. The Captain had a huge grin on his face, and he waved at Chad as if the boy was on display.

"What about me and my blue collar?" He asked in his best impression of the quiet boy before him. He laughed and turned to Chad, holding a can before him, "Juice Springsteen! Turn that everyman into a _beveryman_." Chad stared, "Beveryman?"

"Bevery stands for _**beverage**_!" Byakuya shouted, before bounding away again.

~*~

"Renji, you are the worst..." Rukia said, watching Urahara running back and forth in front of his shop, Ichigo right in toe, just as energetic from the 'shot' he took from the Gun Powerthirst. Renji laughed, "Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have released Captain Kuchiki on these poor people."

"Damn right."

"Bwah!" Renji jumped back, realizing that Yoruichi had suddenly appeared next to him. She frowned, "I guess I should try to calm Ichigo and Kisuke..."

Suddenly everything stopped.

Renji, Yoruichi, and Rukia looked around. Tessai, Jinta, and Ururu had also frozen in place.

"He's back..." Ururu murmured.

Byakuya stood on the roof of Urahara's shop. He stared down at the others with a goofy grin, "We interrupt this advertisement to--"

"BLOW YOUR MIND!" Urahara and Ichigo shouted.

Byakuya nodded, "PowerThirst now comes in Women!" He yelled, pulling a very frightened Orihime seemingly from nowhere. He planted a kiss on her cheek and through a woman-shaped bottle down to Tessai, "Now with _preposterous amounts of testosterone_!"

"Preposterone!" Ichigo and Urahara shouted.

"Think fast douche-fag." Byakuya shouted at Renji, "Power Thirst now comes in **doves**!" He tossed a few Doves at his lieutenant. Renji jumped away, just as Urahara grabbed Yoruichi in a very...obscene way.

"Get off!" She screamed.

"Hump-catting!" Byakuya screamed. He flash stepped down next to Ichigo and muttered, "Similar to bear-blasting..." Ichigo gave him a high five, and the Captain, again, disappeared.

~*~

Uryu stood by his favorite waterfall, upset that his powers hadn't returned. He looked up to the sky, "Oh Lord, why have you forsaken me?"

"**CAN IT!**" As if in answer, the voice sang from the heavens, "When God gives you lemons... you **FIND A NEW GOD**!"

"What the--?"

Byakuya jumped down from the trees, "PowerThirst…Godberry," He handed Godberry to the Quincy, "King of the juice!"

And with that, he was gone.

~*~

Isshin Kurosaki sat in his living room, playing one of his daughter's hand-held video games. He was loosing horribly, when he felt someone behind him.

"Unacceptable!" Byakuya screamed, causing Isshin to jump. "Drink PowerThirst and you'll win at everything forever!" He yelled, handing the man a Shocolate Powerthrisrt.

"Everything?" Isshin asked.

"You'll win at running! football! arson! weddings! and art! You'll even win at _irony_!"

Ichigo suddenly burst through the door with an "Ahhh!" just to be smacked in the face with the very same door as Isshin slammed it closed. Byakuya smiled, "Top score!"

As Isshin chugged his PowerThirst, Byakuya pulled the door back open. Yoruichi and Rukia stood before him. He smiled, "Still unconvinced? Well check out these testimonials from **real **PowerThirst drinkers!"

"400 babies." Isshin screamed.

"Power Thirst. It's really ahhhhhh!" screamed Urahara

"Aaahhhh!" screamed Ichigo from where he lay on the ground, his nose bleeding.

"Alright!" Byakuya shouted pulling a can out of nowhere, "**PowerThirst!** it's like crystal meth in a can. _It's crystal meth in a can. __**PowerThirst is crystal meth**_!!!"

He stopped, turned the can to read the nutrition facts and read, "Warning, may contain Anna Kornikova."

Rukia rolled her eyes. Yoruichi scratched her head, "Who the hell is Anna Kornikova?"

A/N: hope you liked it! I may do more funny internet video spoofs… I've actually got one in mind.


	3. Byakuya the Captain

Byakuya the Captain

Sum: Yeah… it's a spoof of Charlie the Unicorn… Bleach style. Not as good as the PowerThirst ones… but hey, it's still fun. AU OOC + Uber Randomness

A/N: Please excuse the crappy spelling because my spell check is NOT working AGAIN! It's putting red lines under every word and won't let me correct anything. Sorry.

Byakuya sat as his desk, eyes closed, an icepack on his head from the major headache he had from his experiences with Renji's PowerThirst pranks. He was enjoying his peace and quiet, but, unfortunately for our favorite Captain, it wasn't destined to last.

"Heeeeeey Byyaaakkkiiii, hey Byaki! Wake up!"

He frowned at Matsumoto's voice.

"Yeah Byaki, u silly sleepy head, wake uuuup!"

And he scowled as it was joined by Yachiru's voice.

"Ughh, oh god, u guys.. this had better be pretty friggin Important…" he mumbled, "is the sereitei on fire?"

Matsumoto smiled, "Noooo Byaki! We found a map to candy mountaiiinnn!!! Candy

mountain Byaki!"

Yachiru giggled, "Yeah, Byaki! We're going to candy mountaiiinnn!! Come with

us Byakkiiii!"

Matsumoto nodded, "Yeah Byaki! It will be an adventureee!!! We're going on an

adventure Byaki!!!"

Byakuya removed his ice pack from his head, "Yeah, candy mountain, right, I'm just going to, you know, go back to sleep now..."

"Nooooo, Byaki!!!, you have to come with us to candy mountain!" Matsumoto screamed jumping into the Captains lap.

"Yeah Byaki! Candy mountain! Its a land of sweets and joy and joyness!!!" Yachiru yelled, bouncing up and down while holding the Captain's arm.

"Please stop bouncing on me..." Byakuya growled.

Matsumoto pouted, "CANDY MOUNTAIN BYAKI!!!"

Yachiru nodded, "Yeah, candy mountain!!"

Byakuya growled and stood up, "Alright fine! I'll go with you to candy mountain..."

--

As they walked, Matsumoto and Yachiru sang, "la la la la, la la la!!!"

Byakuya's headache was getting worse. "Enough with the singing already!!!" he shouted.

Matsumoto smirked, "Our first stop is over there Byaki!"

Byakuya groaned, "oh god, what is that?!"

Matsumoto looked at him as if he wa crazy, "Its a leopleuradon Byaki!"

Yachiru giggledm "A magical leoplueradon!!"

Matsumoto laughed, "Its going to guide our way to candy mountain!"

Byakuya rolled his eyes, "Alright guys... You do know there is no actual candy mountain...right?"

"Shun the non-believer!" Matsumoto screamed, pointing an accusing finger at the Captain.

Yachiru's eyes widened, "Shhhuuunnnn!!"

Both stared, "Shunnnn!!"

Byakuya blinked, "Uh... Yeah."

The Leopleuradon let out a long roar.

"It has spoken!"

"It has told us the wayyyy!"

Byakuya smacked his throbbing forehead, "It didn't say anything!"

--

"It's just over this bridge Byaki!"

Yachiru smiled, "This magical bridge of hope and wonder!"

Byakuya rubbed the bridge of his nose, "Is anyone else getting, like, covered in splinters? Seriously,

guys... we shouldn't be on this thing!"

Mastumoto smirked again, "Byyaakkki! Byyyaaakkkii! Byakkkiii! Bya--"

"Damnit, I'm right here, what'dya want?"

She laughed, "We're on a bridge Byaki!… Oh! were heeere"

Byakuya stared in disbelief at a mountain made entirely of candy, "Well! What do you know! There actually **is **a candy mountain!"

"Candy mountain! Candy mountain! You fill me with sweet sugary goodness!!" Matsumoto practically sang.

"Go inside the candy mountain cave Byaki!" Yachiru shouted.

Matsumoto giggled, "Yeah Byaki! Go inside the cave! There are magical wonders to behold when you enter!"

"Thanks...but no thanks.... I'm going to stay out here."

Yachiru's eyes became huge, "But you have to go inside the Candy mountain Byaki!"

Suddenly, giant candy pieces spelling C-A-N-D-Y jumped from the mountain and began to sing, "Oh when your down and looking for some cheering up,

than just head right up to the candy mountain cave, when you get inside,

you'll find yourself a cheeeery land, such a happy and joy-filled and perky

merry land. They got lolipops and gummi drops and candy things, oh so

many things that will brighten up your day, its impossible to wear a

frown in candy town, its the mecca of lovely candy cave..

"This is rediculous...." Byakuya mumbled.

"They've got jelly beans and coconuts with little hats, candy mats, chocolate

bats, its a wonderland of sweets, ride the candy train to town and

hear the candy band, candy bells, its a treat as they march across

the land, cherry ribbons stream across the sky and into the ground,

turn around, it astounds, its the dancing candy tree, and the candy

cane's imaginations runs so free, so now Byaki please, will you go into

the cave?"

Byakuya thought for a moment, then sighed. _This can't be worse than the Powerthirst... _ he thought.

"Alright fine! I'll go into the freakin candy cave! This had better be good..."

The girls laughed, "yahahahah!"

Matsumoto stopped laughing first, "Goodbye Byaki!"

Yachiru nodded, "Yeah! Goodbye Byaki!"

Byakuya's eyes widened in shock, "Goodbye? What!?" The Candy cave was suddenly shut tight, "Hey! what's going on here? Hello?!" he heard footsteps, "Who is that?"

--

Byakuya awoke the next day in bed, a bandage on his side. "Oww god, what happened?" He noticed the bandage and slapped his forehead, "Ahhhhh! They took my friggin kidney....!"

--

A/N: Sorry! I had to do this. One of my friends was talking about it with me and I thought it was great!


End file.
